Provision, Even When We Don’t “Deserve” It

It’s Monday morning, the sun is shining and the air is crisp. A perfect October day. I got back yesterday from attending a conference in Rochester, New York. I went with a friend and it was a time of laughter, some really amazing moments and not having to make a single meal. Swag. Lots of good swag. And not a whole lot of sleep.

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Chandeliers in the main lobby of the hotel. So cool!
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Sunrise – a view from the 15th floor!

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By Friday evening, I was feeling a major brain drain as well as the effects of only four hours of shut eye. I went down to the dining room but could feel my anxiety start to escalate. Coping mechanisms were barely functioning. The large room full of people, the smell of the food and the loud noise drained any last sense of peace from me. I sat at my table and told myself to suck it up. I could get through it. I had done it many times before and survived.

This time was different. I did’t want or need to suck it up. There are times we have to, this wasn’t one of them. The only consequence of leaving was me being hungry later. My friend had already given me permission to do what was best for me. I leaned over and told her I was leaving. She let me go. It’s what friends do for one another.

I went upstairs. Honestly I was not only tired but a bit homesick. I hadn’t been able to communicate with my husband or kids since the day before. My oldest son had been running at a province wide cross country meet and I was wondering how the day went. My husband had been attending another local conference and I wanted to know what he thought about the speakers he’d been listening to. My biggest desire was to hear their voices.

I decided to tell God and I hadn’t even breathed “amen” when my phone buzzed with my son wanting to Face Time with me. The Face part of it didn’t work but I could hear their voices and the world righted itself. After, the silence of the room soothed this introvert and I felt peaceful once again.

It was what I needed. God provided.

It was a weekend of provision where I was wanting. I had doubted because I figured I probably didn’t deserve. How often do we do this to ourselves? Because we haven’t been perfect or even close to that unnatural state, we count ourselves out of any divine contact. “God isn’t going to reveal Himself to me because I _____________.” Fill in that blank. Sadly, we can make a long list to fill that space.

We think we aren’t worthy for our Dad to show up and love us because we haven’t done enough to warrant that heavenly presence. We didn’t earn it. We aren’t good enough. We are too far gone. He doesn’t care about what we need or want.
I found out this past weekend, it’s just not true. He was there all right. He gave me all that I needed and more. Not for just a day or an evening but all weekend long.

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Listening to Holly Gerth

The only thing I had to do was go with an open heart. If something is open, it can be easily filled. An open heart meant I could receive what He was giving: Himself, His blessings and His provision. He wants to give us these things.  Sometimes we have to learn to open our hearts and hands and take of it. If my heart had been closed, it all would have bounced off me and I would have been blind and closed to His whispers to come close. To enjoy the gifts He wanted to give me.

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Instead all that was abundantly offered and what I so desperately needed, was poured into and filled me.

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