I have a choice to make.
Erin Davis, in her book, Connected, wrote some words that jumped off the page and into my face and soul.
They are about Haggar. “She could have stayed by that stream, waiting for a different kind of comfort. Pining for Sarai to come out and be her best friend. Longing for Abram to love her for who she was, not for her ability to give him a son. Begging for people to see what she had gone through and validate her pain. But she chose to let God be enough.” (p. 175, emphasis mine).
All of my breath whooshed out of me. The words seared my soul. I am guilty of this: “Begging for people to see what she had gone through and validate her pain.” Davis penned truth and the truth made me cringe. Ouch. This is not a picture we want for ourselves. It’s not one we want to show off at functions or post brazenly on social media, like we do our life highlights.
Lord, do I do that? I whisper. I think/know I do. Help me to choose to let you be enough. Teach me how to do that.
Instantly, reading those words, I had been convicted. I thought long and hard. What was God going to say to me? Would He say anything at all? I doubted.
Song of Songs 2:13
The fig tree forms its early fruit; the blossoming vines spread their fragrance. Arise, come, my darling; my beautiful one, come with me.
It was a verse listed to look up in my devotional. I haven’t been all that faithful these summer days. Today I was and God was waiting. Funny how that happens.
“The blossoming vines spread their fragrance.” How do we combat begging for validation? We let the fragrance of Jesus spread through us and out to others. We give ourselves as an offering. Instead of begging others to see and hear us, what if we just wafted through the room spreading goodness, kindness, gentleness, a smile, or a hug? We paid attention to them rather than seek attention for us.
I don’t know what a fig blossom looks like but I do know a cherry or apple blossom. Beautiful on their own. Magnificent as a whole. Maybe the same could be said of us. Beautiful and fragrant alone and breathtaking as a whole (or a church). It’s not us that makes it so but the one we are attached to, breathing life and scent through our lives. I am the vine, you are the branches…John 15:5
I was tempted to leave it there. But the last part of the verse kept calling me back. It makes me uncomfortable. Those words. Darling. Beautiful. But I had asked to be taught how to make Him enough. I think part of the answer is in the last part. He’s inviting us to come with Him. We need to be in His presence for Him to be enough. I can own a bible but if I don’t read it, it’s not that useful to me.
We also need to upgrade our thinking. He sees us as His darling. His beautiful one. Get used to it. I can squirm all I want but it’s not going to change. I don’t need to beg Him to validate my pain, my circumstances or myself. I have nothing to prove to Him. Because anything I could offer would seem like cheap fakes. He’s not interested in cheap or fake.
He wants us just as we are. Our real selves. Begging, questioning, doubting, ranting, furious, anxious, depressed, joyful. Whatever. He redeemed us on the cross over 2000 years ago. Long before you or I were born. He knew us. Our lives. He died for them. His enoughness (yes I’m making up yet another word) covered all our inadequacy because we are His darlings, His beloved. Why do we seek anyone else out when He knows exactly who we are? You knew me before I was born. Psalm 139.
I have a choice to make.